Tuxedos

So the time came, and went, for the picking of the tuxedos.

And so, finally, they were chosen. But they did not look like the Zoot suit to the right. They looked classy. But a funny thing occurred. When the fancy button idea was attempted, it turns out that it made Mike look like Tom Cruise. Especially when he put on the Ray Bans and started calling everyone "Ice...man." His ego was writing checks that his body definitely could not cash. So the fancy button went the way of the Dodo. It was replaced by a four-in-hand.

The final ensemble looks a little more like this:

Only the lapels were better looking. But the jacket is a two-button affair with a notched lapel. It has tiny pin-stripes which are only visible within one foot of the jacket. And the vests won't have the ridiculous pattern, just a diagonal series of stripes. And FOR THE LOVE OF PETE IT WON'T BE SHINY. (The Bride-Who-
Doesn't-Care did have an opinion on that.) The Groom-who-cares-too-much will be wearing a white vest and tie, while the Groomsmen-who-ought-to-
care-if-they-know-what's-good-for-them will be decked in a black vest and tie. And there will be pants and shoes for all. Everyone except the Best-Man-who-
sweats-too-much will get shirts, as well. And Johnnie Utah will get to wear his monocle. Not that it represents any sort of change.

Tracking Down a Groomsman

So Mike wanted to have an equal number of groomsmen. And, since the marriage talk first started, he envisioned Nathan H. Frank, B.A., M.S., Ph.D., J.D., L.M.N.O.P. and professor of quantum linguisticophysics, joining him in the wedding party. But there was a problem: he did not know how to contact Dr. Frank.

He knew the problem existed. The Christmas card that he sent to Dr. Frank, his lovely wife Holly, and their son Henry Nathan Alphonso Steven Michael Henry Frank was returned. They had moved from Michigan. But where did they go? So Mike did a google search for Nathan H. Frank, B.A., M.S., Ph.D., J.D., L.M.N.O.P., which returned a "Funny Chinese Song Video." So he started randomly calling numbers, but only reached the International Drain Commission.

So he turned back to Google, and used better search criteria. And the first hit was at Concordia College, home of the Cobbers, out there on the edge of the prairie, where all the women are strong, the men are good looking, and the children etc, etc, etc. This was surprizing, as Mike distinctly remembered Dr. Frank from his days at Concordia College. He vividly remembered Dr. Frank listening to the Timberwolves during graduation. And that Dr. Frank's last words as he left campus were "So long, suckers!"

So Mike dutifully looked for Dr. Frank on the site, but could not find him. Apparently, the trail had gone cold. But then, one day, as Mike was shooting at some food, up from the ground came a-bubblin' good luck. He performed another search and found that Dr. Frank had taken another position at a school in Illinois.

So Mike looked at the site, found Dr. Frank's phone number, and called him up. And he got Dr. Frank. And Dr. Frank was sore afraid, and replied "I'll do anything you want, just don't hurt me!" And so, Dr. Frank was added to the party. And at some point, Mike and Dr. Frank will have to meet in the Quad Cities for a beer.